you know you're an alcoholic WHEN.....

you shoot chinese cooking wine with your nose plugged, followed by a cola chaser.

You drank all the vanilla extract as it contained alcohol.

you were disappointed that mouthwash was non alcoholic after all

you tried fermenting sugar and yeast to get a free buzz.

As a dinner party hostess, you quietly run up to the bathroom, puke up the mickey of Vodka you drank to bolster your confidence before guests showed up; then return calmly to offer everyone appetizers.

you start your day with an espresso, followed by two tums, a zantac and a double vodka shot.

you look at percentage alcohol as your deciding choice of liquor.

you double bag your recycling to hide the fact that 90 percent of it are alcohol bottles.

and then the week starts all over again. cheers!